FLOURISHING AFTER 50: We let our daughter and her partner move in - now we feel trapped in our own home

Dear Vanessa, 

Eighteen months ago, my husband and I agreed to let our daughter, and her partner move back in with us to help them save for a house deposit. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. They were struggling with rent and the cost of living, and we wanted to support them.

But our daughter is 31 — and weve been without kids at home for over a decade. Wed settled into a quiet, comfortable life. Thats completely changed.

Since they moved in, its felt more like weve got teenagers in the house again. They stay up late, leave things everywhere, eat our food without replacing it, and dont contribute financially. 

Were buying more groceries, the power bills have gone up, and were doing all the cleaning. They havent talked to us once about a timeline or progress on saving for a deposit.

We love them — but were exhausted, and we feel completely trapped. How can I have this awkward conversation in a way thats positive and doesnt damage the relationship?

Susan

Hi Susan, 

Youre not alone — and no, youre not being unkind. 

Plenty of parents find themselves in this situation. What starts as a generous gesture can turn into a long-term, open-ended arrangement — especially when no structure is set from the beginning. Add rising costs and loss of privacy, and its no wonder you feel backed into a corner.

Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov 

After ten years of having your space to yourself, the dynamic has completely shifted — and not in a way that respects your home or your lifestyle.

Its time for a reset — and it doesnt have to be a blow-up. 

The good news is that you can absolutely have this conversation with care, clarity, and even a bit of humour. Heres how:

Make the ask fun — and fair.  

• Choose your timing. Give a little heads-up: Lets have a quick catch-up this weekend — weve been thinking about how things are going.

• Lead with warmth. Try: Were proud we could help, but we never really talked about how long this arrangement would last. Its time we all get a bit of clarity around what comes next.

• Ask for their plan. Where are things at with saving? Whats your goal? If they dont have a clear answer, thats your cue to help set one — like aiming to move out in six months or when a certain amount is saved.

Heres a suggestion that helps them take ownership while keeping the tone supportive: 

• Propose a weekly grocery budget they can contribute to.

• Introduce a modest rent — not as a punishment, but as practice.

• Offer to refund the rent if they hit their savings goal by an agreed date.

This way, theyre learning to manage real-world costs — and if they follow through, they get a built-in bonus. Its motivating, not mean.

Dont forget the daily stuff.

Its also okay to say, We need a better balance with cooking, cleaning, and the general load around the house. Youre not a hotel — and adults living in your home need to show adult responsibility.

Boundaries protect relationships — rather than hurt them.

This isnt about pushing them away. Its about helping them grow up — and protecting your own wellbeing at the same time. The love doesnt go away just because the house rules change. In fact, clear expectations often lead to stronger, more respectful relationships.

Youve done your bit. Now its time to take your home — and your peace — back.

Take care,

Vanessa