Ex-Good Housekeeping editor Lindsay Nicholson tells of moment she nearly jumped in front of a tube train after her life unravelled again following near death car crash
Former editor of Good Housekeeping Lindsay Nicholson has detailed how her glamorous life quickly unravelled as the battled through unimaginable grief and heartbreak.
Former editor of Good Housekeeping Lindsay Nicholson has detailed how her glamorous life quickly unravelled as the battled through unimaginable grief and heartbreak.
Ms Nicholson, who spent 18 years at the lifestyle magazine, has spoken candidly about how she overcame a number of tragedies in her life.
During the 1990s, the glossy magazine editor was plunged into grief as she lost her first husband, John Merritt, when pregnant with their second child, Hope. Five years later, their nine-year-old daughter, Ellie, died from the same rare form of leukemia.
As she tried to cope with the grief, Ms Nicholson then faced her own ten-year battle with cancer.
Having navigated through these traumatic experiences, her live unravelled again in 2016. She nearly died in a car crash, split up with her second husband, spent 16 hours in a police cell, lost her home and her job and even considered jumping in front of a Tube train.
Speaking to Andy Coulson on his Crisis What Crisis? podcast, Ms Nicholson said: I couldnt do it to the train driver. I couldnt do it to the other people on the platform, so I ran out of the station. Im not a big fan of travelling on the Tube even now.
Former editor of Good Housekeeping Lindsay Nicholson has detailed how her glamorous life quickly unravelled as the battled through unimaginable grief and heartbreak
Lindsay Nicholson is pictured receiving an MBE alongside her daughter Hope in 2018
She added: That would have been a terrible thing to have done. What would it have done to Hope? What would it have done to her? But it was a very strong feeling at the time.
Ms Nicholsons life first turned upside down when she lost her first husband, John, who as the chief reporter of The Observer.
I think what actually I found very difficult… I had to work. I was a single parent. I went back to work pregnant, one week after my husbands funeral, she said.
It wasnt that I didnt want to take time out to grieve, I couldnt take time out to grieve. I had to work, I had to keep a roof over our heads.
Ms Nicholson, who tells her story in her memoir Perfect Bound, said she had to work two careers following the death of her husband.
During the podcast, she revealed how she felt dissociated from my grief, adding: But in truth, if Id stayed at home and worked through my grief, one, I dont think Id have been a very good mum and two, when you go through trauma like that, its always going to be there. Its always going to come back.
Speaking about returning to work, Ms Nicholson recalled: Id just buried my husband, I was pregnant, the mother of a three-year-old. I went back to work visibly pregnant, everyone knew what had happened.
In the middle of working on a project for Woman magazine at the time, she said work gave her ten hours a day when I wasnt the grieving widow.
Ms Nicholson, one of Britains most successful magazine editors who also ran Cosmopolitan and Prima, warned others about how crucial it is to listen to your body as she failed to do this herself.
Lindsay Nicholson has previously spoken about her husbands affair. Pictured: Lindsay and Mark at their last Christmas together in 2016
The thing that I have learnt is that the mind is a great servant, a terrible master. I thought I could think my way through everything, she said.
Ms Nicholson met John as trainee news journalists in the West Country before they moved in to a flat in Plymouth and later got married.
She shifted to magazines because news was not for her and she was married to a man being called the greatest reporter of his generation.
Speaking about the birth of their first child Ellie, Ms Nicholson said: John knew that he would likely die before Hope [second child], but thankfully he had no idea that Ellie, would develop the same illness... Im grateful he didnt know that.
It was 1997 when Ellie was diagnosed with the same cancer as John. Ms Nicholson spent 240 nights sleeping with her in Great Ormond Street.
Five years after losing Ellie, Ms Nicholson met her second husband, Mark, who was an estate agent.
They married within a year, but Ms Nicholsons life soon unravelled again as she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Opening up about her battle with cancer, she said: To me, cancer meant death. My father had died of cancer, John had died of cancer, Ellie had died of blood cancer, cancer meant death. I was fairly sure I was going to die.
This was two-and-a-half years into my marriage. This was two-and-a half-years into my happy ending, I was very glad to be married, to have Mark to support me, particularly to support Hope who was 14, who I was fairly sure was going to be orphaned.
I became actually mute with fear, I couldnt speak. For about three weeks I couldnt speak.
She continued: I was in a frozen state of fear, and I couldnt speak and I couldnt comfort Hope. I couldnt tell my mother what was going on. I couldnt tell the office what was going on.
Mark had to do all my speaking for me., for which I was very grateful and despite everything that happened, I will never not be grateful for that. I had a total of seven operations, I had chemotherapy, I had radiation treatment.
Lindsay (pictured), the ex-editor of Good Housekeeping, has been through a series of devastating tragedies
Pictured: Lindsay and Mark on their wedding day. Shortly after they married, she was diagnosed with cancer
However, she felt a renewed determination when she realised that she was going to live - and she went straight back to work.
Having battled through a series of cancer battles, herself included, Ms Nicholsons life then took another ugly turn.
On October 30 that year, a lorry jack-knifed in front of her while she was driving her BMW at 70mph and she ended up on the central reservation. It later emerged that the lorry driver was avoiding a person seemingly trying to kill themselves.
I tried to steer onto the central reservation but there was the crash barrier and I sort of half hit the central reservation and the left-hand side of the car went underneath the lorry. But it was a big car and I was not injured physically.
Two months later, the same car, that had not been written off by insurers, broke down and she ended up in a ditch.
Ms Nicholson said she was in a lot of mental pain after the two crashes and contemplated killing herself at Swiss Cottage Tube Station.
She revealed thinking: I cant see any way out of it and I realise that if I just took a couple of steps forward underneath the train that was coming in I wouldnt have to think about it anymore and my thinking was so painful at that point, it seemed a good idea to stop the pain.
What stopped me doing it was the other people on the platform, not that they noticed but seeing them and knowing how my life had been so upended, felt destroyed by the man whod run in front of the lorry, I couldnt do that to them.
It was during this suicidal period in her life that she then realised her second husband, Mark, had been unfaithful.
That day that Id had this strong suicidal drive on the Tube train, and Id been to see the doctor and I got home, and he was texting.
I was like, can I see who youre texting? No, its private. And, this is a very foolish thing to do, the fact that he said no, its private should have been a sufficient clue to be perfectly honest.
She also revealed how he had not come to pick her up from the terrible car crashes, which she feels should have been another clue.
Lindsay Nicholson, former editor of Good Housekeeping, meets King Charles at an event
Her world then descended into further chaos as she was arrested following an argument with Mark.
Ms Nicholson revealed: I made a grab for the phone. I wanted to see it. I wanted to see with my own eyes what he was doing. He let me, but held onto the phone. We tussled for it and then both let go at the same time and the phone fell on the floor and broke. And I thought, oh God, this isnt good.
He picked up the landline and dialled 999 and said Id assaulted him. And two police cars arrive with flashing lights and took me, arrested me, took me to a police station.
I was fingerprinted, photographed, searched and then locked in a cell for 16 hours, so I was suicidal, Id been to my doctor for my suicidal ideation, and I was locked in a cell for 16 hours.
Thats, they should have gone through an at-risk checklist with me, even if they thought there was something in it... I should never have been locked up.
Ms Nicholson was entirely exonerated of any wrongdoing after spending 16 hours in a cell.
When she tried to return to the family home, he had changed the locks so she had to go and stay with her mother.
In the following years, as the divorce took hold, Ms Nicholson moved into a rented house but is then asked to move out because the landlord is selling the property.
Riled up with anger, she decided to take her estranged husband to court to get an occupation order.
This beautiful house I rented had its own paddock and I would walk round the paddock, walking my dogs, swigging wine straight from the bottle and generally cursing the skies and cursing everyone and then I rang my lawyer and said, “we’re going to court. I’m getting my house back.” And we went to court, and I got my house.
Ms Nicholson has previously spoken about her battles with alcohol, including drinking in the mornings.
She then made it back into her house, but did not have a means of income as she was made redundant.
I thought, I know what I’ll do, I’ll be a life coach. I’ll tell other people how to live. I mean, can you imagine anything more stupid…, she quipped.
Ms Nicholson trained as a life coach in California and published her book Perfect Bound, which she dedicated to her granddaughter, Cora.
The full episode of Lindsay Nicholson on Crisis What Crisis? is available on YouTube, Spotify and Apple Podcasts
