Joe Biden is the meat in the MAGA sandwich – his 46th presidency uncomfortably snuggled in between two hearty slices of Donaldough.
Its been almost four years since Trump begrudgingly left the White House but when the two sat together for the traditional Oval Office hand-off on Wednesday – they got along like old friends.
Slap Happy Joe grinned widely and whispered, Welcome home, as Donald The Legacy Destroyer, expressed his appreciation for such a warm reception. At least, thats what all the cameras captured.
I imagine those werent the only words exchanged. In fact, the two men reportedly spoke for another two hours in private. Perhaps, the conversation went a little like this:
Biden: You know, I voted for you, right? Did you see me wearing your hat?
Trump: Yeah, you and everyone else. But why did you keep calling me Hitler? That was a little not nice, Sleepy Joe.
Biden: Malarkey! Now, you’re sensitive about nicknames? And I never called you Hitler – that was Kamala. Lets just say, Im not with her!
Biden laughs, coughs and falls face-first out of his chair.
Its been almost four years since Trump begrudgingly left the White House but when the two sat together for the traditional Oval Office hand-off on Wednesday - they got along like old friends.
At this moment, Dr. Jill Biden walks into the Oval Office, dressed in her finest blood-red Lady Macbeth suit.
She hoists Biden back into his seat and starts speaking.
Dr. Jill: Just remember, Donald, Joe was your best surrogate! Dont forget who opened up Americas borders – and flooded the country with illegal immigrants. Thank you would be nice. What about giving me and Joe a nice cushy ambassadorship, so we can spend our retirements in style?
Biden: I hear Ukraine is nice and Hunter has a lot of friends there.
Jill pushes Joe back down to the floor.
Trump: Sorry, guys. Ive got some more pressing issues on my agenda, like firing the entire federal bureaucracy, ending wars with the snap of my fingers and appointing a super-hot Press Secretary. Priorities!
Suddenly, Hunter Biden bursts into the room.
Hunter: Daaaaad, I thought we were going to play catch with my Romanian buddies!!??
Biden: No, Hunter. I said: You are going to get caught with your Romanian buddies. Now, tell the Chinese that you wont be visiting Beijing anymore.
Hunter: Excuse me, Mr. Trump. Can I have a pardon?
Biden: Yeah, Don. Will you pardon my boy?
Trump: I dont think so, no.
Biden: Youre a Nazi!
Hunter: Youre garbage!
Dr. Jill: Now boys, lets all agree that theres only one person we all really, really hate.
Biden: Nancy Pelosi!
Dr. Jill: No, Joe. Try again.
Kamala, they all shout.
Dr. Jill: Thats right. Ever since she called Joe a racist, Ive had it out for her. At least, I wont have to hug her creepy husband anymore – he always tries to kiss me on the lips.
At this moment, Dr. Jill Biden walks into the Oval Office, dressed in her finest blood-red Lady Macbeth suit.
Jill reaches into her purse and pulls out a letter addressed to Melania Trump.
Dr Jill: Im so sorry your pretend...I mean pretty... wife couldnt be here today, Donald. I was so looking forward to serving her some arsenic tea. I wrote her a little note. Can you deliver it for me?
Trump: Oh Jill, thats so sweet! What does it say?
Dr. Jill: Well, I know Melania is multi-lingual, so I wrote out a translation of Go f*** yourself in five languages, including Slovak.
Trump: Its been great catching up. Joe, you look worse than I thought. Hunter, pack your bags because youre going to Gitmo. Ill have Handsome Pete Hegseth get the transfer paperwork ready.
Someone knocks on the Oval Office door and it opens.
Biden: Hulk Hogan! What are you doing here?
Trump: Meet the new Attorney General!
Lifes a beach!
It was truly Dead Man Walking this weekend as Lame Duck Doddering Joe nearly fell arse-over-teakettle as he battled the loose sand by his Rehoboth beach house.
Frustrated First Lady Jill worked overtime to keep him from face planting. But why did she let her hobbling hubby embarrass himself in full view of the cameras?
It was the perfect metaphor for a Democratic election campaign that was poorly conceived and painful to watch.
(Though not quite as painful as Biden appearing to smooch his sister Valerie – on the mouth! – at a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Yikes!)
Not quite as painful as Biden appearing to smooch his sister Valerie – on the mouth! – at a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Yikes!
Fears for Ariana
My sympathy is with Ariana Grande as the waify songstress appears to be shrinking into an ever-more diminutive diva.
Sure, she seemed delighted to be showing off her co-star and hobbit-esque lover Ethan Slater at the Los Angeles Wicked premier on Saturday.
But bleached eyebrows and sunken features look good on exactly no one.
She may have questionable taste in men but someone needs to get this girl a tasty sandwich – stat.
My sympathy is with Ariana Grande as the waify songstress appears to be shrinking into an ever-more diminutive diva.
Foolish 4B
The bizarre new 4B movement of unhinged broads wasnt exactly on my 2024 bingo card.
But there is something rather hilarious about the emotionally unstable leftie ladies now boo-hooing about Trumps win, blaming men and swearing off sex for life.
Dont tell these Kamala-loving misandrists but theyre guilty of cultural appropriation (the anti-patriarchy 4B trend originated in Korea).
The movements most radical are even shaving their heads in protest, uglifying themselves to prove some sort of point.
Theres an obvious upside. Red-blooded fellas now know who to steer clear of. And, for the less hysterical femmes among us, it leaves the dating pool a little less crowded.
Winning smile?
You know who looks great? Our relieved Vice Presidentress, fresh off defeat week and snapped laughing on Saturday with her great-nieces and a large glass of wine.
Where were these easy breezy lifestyle shots a few weeks ago? Whisper it but, in her messy bun and college sweatshirt, this care-free Kamala looks almost likeable.
You know who looks great? Our relieved Vice Presidentress, fresh off defeat week and snapped laughing on Saturday with her great-nieces and a large glass of wine.
Pity presidency
Meanwhile, Kamalas former comms director Jamal Simmons is begging Biden to step down within the month so that her old boss can still be the first female president.
One canny X user compared the preposterous idea to a Make A Wish Presidency. But fear not, at this point I think Joe would rather kiss his own sister than further aid Kamalas vaunting ambitions. Oh wait…
Drew the line
Prison-fluencer Martha Stewart spoke for us all when she shoved off Drew Barrymores advances live on TV this week.
Lisping Drews touch-me-more performances might be a desperate attempt to attract eyeballs to her tired talk show but theyre becoming downright deranged.
After asking, what makes you soft and gooey?, Drew suggestively sucked her finger and caressed Marthas chefly arms.
Unflappable, Martha pushed back, like she shouldve done with her stockbroker in 2001.