You’re over 50 and looking for love. But the last time you checked, Bumble was a type of bee and Hinge was a joint attached to a door.
You need help navigating this bewildering new world of dating apps, swiping right, and the nerve-racking prospect of meeting IRL (that’s In Real Life for the newbies at the back). Enter Stephen Ellerker, a dating coach determined to bring his worldly wisdom to your dating life.
A psychotherapist by training, Stephen, 73, joined Kindling Dating, an online coaching service, after being approached by its founder Eimear Draper, seeking a guru for her more mature clients.
After his 20-year marriage came to an end, he turned to internet dating – something he’s dipped in and out of for 30 years. He can spot a time waster fast and decode a dodgy profile in seconds.
Believe me, you’ll want him as your wingman – and here are his top ten tips for finding what you’re looking for in the Wild West of online dating…
Perk up your profile
Be authentic. It’s important to sell yourself and spark an interest. I wouldn’t advise a list of 24 don’t-wants but be clear about the kind of
person you’re looking for. Ask a friend to read your profile. They know you and they’ll say, ‘I’m not sure about this bit, I don’t see that in you.’
Bin boozy pictures
Avoid photos where you’re holding a drink. It can make people wonder how important alcohol is to you. Get a friend to take a pic – someone who can project your personality to its best advantage.
Don’t wait for a date
If you’re genuinely interested in someone, and not prepared to wait weeks to meet, don’t put up with procrastination. Suggest a video call to break the ice. Don’t tolerate being messed about.
Visualise the future
To find what you’re looking for, you need to uncover who you are. I always ask about a person’s values, beliefs and principles. I frequently say to clients: ‘Imagine you’ve had a fantastic year since finishing the Kindling Dating six-week programme and you’re ringing to let me know. So, when you’ve found the happiness you were looking for, what will you be saying to me?’
That fresh perspective enables people to visualise what they’re searching for.
Rethink your rules
A feeling of connection is very important – that warmth towards someone, wanting to be open with them. Managing expectations is key. If you insist your ideal partner must look a certain way or be a certain height, you’ll miss the chance to find connections.
Rejection is fine...
A helpful attitude to take is that you’re going to meet 100 people, and you only need one. The other 99 are part of the journey. It’s fine for either person to say no, but the way you do it matters. Do it with a compliment.
. . . but ghosting isn’t
When I get ghosted – which is quite a lot – I’ll wait ten days or so, then send a message: ‘It was lovely meeting you, good luck on your dating journey.’
It brings a sense of control and closure – much better than feeling infuriated. Ghosting is a sign that people have difficulty being honest – not an ideal trait in a partner.
Stop self-sabotaging
If you tell yourself ‘I’m unlovable’ each time a date doesn’t work out, that negative belief will affect your behaviour and prevent you finding love. If you expect rejection, you’ll be on alert for every sign a date is going to knock you back.
If they don’t instantly reply to your message, rather than give the benefit of the doubt, you reject them before they reject you. Or they finally message, and you don’t reply.
Withdrawal is what we call an amygdala response. It’s a reaction to a fear of something – you either freeze, fight or flee. But then the other person thinks, ‘She’s not interested’ – and your expectation of rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Learn from your past
It can be enlightening to examine these, including with your parents, to see where unhelpful beliefs arose.
Common ones are ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘Everyone abandons me’.
It can shed light on any self-defeating dating habits you’re prone to.
Trust issues can also be a sign you haven’t grieved the loss of a relationship. Exploring why you act as you do makes it easier to modify unhelpful behaviours.
Successful dating is all about growing as a person. Otherwise, you will end up repeating the same relationship patterns.
Free your mind
Be curious about who they are and what drives them. Put aside the idea you’re looking for the love of your life.
Treat each date as an experiment. It frees you up to have fun, spot potential and find chemistry.
-For details on coaching sessions with Stephen Ellerker and the Kindling Dating six-week challenge, visit kindlingdating.com